If you happen to’ve ever discovered your self getting defensive with a associate, this would possibly sound all too acquainted: Your associate has an issue with one thing you probably did, and earlier than you contemplate how they’re feeling, your first knee-jerk response is to defend your self.

However in keeping with licensed {couples}’ counselor Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., CST, whereas all of us have a sure capability and drive to defend ourselves, this type of response can wind up spelling extra hassle in your relationship.

As she beforehand instructed mindbodygreen, as an alternative of leaping to your personal protection, “Hearken to what they’re saying, and just be sure you perceive it, from their perspective,” including to not cease “till you will get of their sneakers and see it from their worldview.”

And the important thing, after all, is to do that earlier than you begin developing your response, she explains, with a objective to actually perceive why they’re upset. “That does not imply you agree with them, however you possibly can see the scenario by their eyes. Then you possibly can proceed to speak the way you see it,” she provides.